i think it was the christmas cookies that mom made

she said they reminded her of Aunt

(somebody i wasn't listening real close)

and so i ate one

(didn't like it)

as mom told me that she was thinking a lot about Aunt

(whatsherface) and Uncle (whatshisname)

back out on the farm in california

when she was a kid

and how safe and happy she had been there

while i was wondering what was under the tree

but now they were both gone

dead she said

(did she say dead?) 

and these christmas cookies reminded her of them

(Aunt and Uncle whoever)

but I really wan't paying attention.

I think it was the sad look in her eyes when she talked about her father

and how close they had been

and how safe and secure she had felt back then


and how she had always trusted in him

(despite getting pregnant at 17 and being put in a halfway house for wayward mothers because my dad wouldn't marry her)

and missed him

(I couldn't go to the funeral, i was working and in school)

and wished that he was around to take care of her

(yeah whatever mom quit your whining)

and look after her she said

but I really wasn't paying much attention

i think it was the puzzle she did on New Year's Eve until 5 a.m.

after being dumped by her second husband

yelled at by her daughter (already at her age my god)

and consoled by her son

(i did it as fast as i could to get to the party and get away from her)

she put the pieces into the puzzle slowly

and with shaking hands

not noticing how the pieces looked

but trying to put it together anyhow

i saw her trying to but I don't know if she finished

cuz i wasn't really paying all that much attention

i think it was the kauffman's bill with 150 bucks of perfume charged to it that she didn't get

i think it was the husband that didn't know what he wanted except both women

i think it was the daughter that brought her screaming child over every night

i think it was the nineteen dark patches they found in her breast on the ultrasound

i think it was the selfish son who didn't pay enough attention to his own mother but most of all

i think it was the bottle of valium that went down and stayed down

i think i'm paying attention now

but it's too late now isn't it?

Adieu maman