KAITLIN'S FUNERAL
by
Tiffany Russo and Kyle Smith-Laird
FADE IN:
INT. A DARKENED STAGE -- AFTERNOON
PRINCIPAL RICHARD THRUST (40s, thin and nervous) speaks solemnly into a microphone underneath a glaring spotlight.
PRINCIPAL THRUST
Honesty. If there is another word
that sums up Kaitlin McArthur, it
would be...integrity. I don't
think in...all my time teaching,
I mean, as a principal, that I
ever knew a teacher with more than
Miss McArthur. More integrity.
And honesty, of course. So...that
is why it is my great pleasure to
present her with the Teacher of
the Year Award!
The spotlight moves to KAITLIN MCARTHUR (30s, pretty and charming), who sits demurely in a chair, waving her hand and wearing pasties and a g-string full of money.
CUT TO:
INT. KAITLIN'S BEDROOM -- MORNING
Kaitlin sleeps soundly in bed as her alarm clock beeps at her. After several seconds of the monotonous beeping, MARCIE (late 20s, Australian) enters.
MARCIE
Rise and shine, love! You don't
want to be late for your last day
of class, now do ya?
Kaitlin grunts.
KAITLIN
Weird dream.
MARCIE
Huh? What was it about? Wasn't
the one where you're a stripper at
school getting the award, eh?
KAITLIN
No.
(changes her mind)
Well, yes. Now you know, Marcie,
dreams never make sense except to
the dreamer.
Marcie hums a yes and Kaitlin rolls her eyes.
KAITLIN
(continuing)
I gotta get up. Last day of
school, you know.
MARCIE
You got an award for best teacher,
not punctuality, after all.
KAITLIN
At least I was on time in my dream.
MARCIE
Yeah? Did your ass look good in
that g-string then?
KAITLIN
(laughing a little)
It was god awful big, I'm talking
huge.
MARCIE
Eewww, nightmare. I hope you at
least had a bit of money in it.
Kaitlin nods and gets up.
CUT TO:
INT. KAITLIN'S SHOWER -- MOMENTS LATER
Kaitlin stands like a mannequin in the shower. The water drizzles all over her, but she remains still. From outside, we hear Marcie yelling.
MARCIE (O.S.)
Hurry up in there! You're going
to make me late for work! The
salon's going to fire me if I'm
late for the sixth time this week!
Kaitlin doesn't budge.
MARCIE (O.S.)
(continuing)
Kaitlin! Do you hear me?
Honestly!
INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
Kaitlin sits at the table, reading the paper. After a beat, Marcie enters carrying two cups of Starbucks coffee. Marcie wears eccentric clothing befitting a kooky hairstylist.
MARCIE
Well, there you are. I'm glad to
see you can still dress yourself.
For your last day of class, I went
to Starbucks and got you that double
tall nonfat cap with a sweet-and-low
and dry just like you like it. I
even put a little bit of cinnamon
on the top for ya.
Kaitlin takes the cup and smiles at Marcie.
KAITLIN
Thank you, Marcie, hon. You're
truly the best roommate ever.
MARCIE
Oh, don't I know it.
Kaitlin takes a swig of her coffee and we pull in to the bottom of the cup.
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. KAITLIN'S CAR -- LATER
We pull back from the bottom of the cup and are in Kaitlin's beat up old boat of a Cadillac in the middle of rush hour traffic. This car looks as though it has seen more action than a WWII tank on the losing side. As Kaitlin lowers the cup, a car from behind rear ends her car. Kaitlin jerks forward a little, then looks in her rear view mirror and waves. A resigned grin spreads across her face.
KAITLIN
At least I didn't spill my coffee.
The car bumps her again and she spills coffee all over her clothes, Kaitlin is horrified and embarrassed.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM -- AFTERNOON
A coffee-stained Kaitlin stands in front of a classroom full of STUDENTS. On the blackboard, the words "LAST DAY" stand out prominently.
KAITLIN
Now I know that this is the last
day of class, but I want to talk
to you about one thing before you
all run off to enjoy your summer
vacation. Now you know that...
Kaitlin's voice fades and a voice-over dominates.
KAITLIN (V.O.)
There are a million stories to
tell, true and otherwise.
INT. THE FRONT DOORS OF THE SCHOOL -- LATER
A swarm of STUDENTS rush out of the front doors, screaming and yelling. Kaitlin watches as they rush by her.
KAITLIN (V.O.)
Take my story for example.
My name is Kaitlin McArthur
and here I am, less than a
week before my funeral. Now
don't worry about me, I'm
not going to die. Well,
someday I will, but not before I'm
done telling this story. As you
have probably guessed, I'm a high
school English teacher and today
is that day beloved by all
students, the last day of classes.
Well, trust me when I say that we
as teachers look forward to it
too. Especially when we get to
say goodbye to certain people...
Kaitlin walks to her car. She nearly runs into YVETTE (late 30s, a cold brassy blond), the French teacher.
KAITLIN
Oh, oops. Sorry, Yvette. I
didn't see you.
Yvette looks at the coffee stain on her dress.
YVETTE
Nice dress. Or did you have a
rough morning?
KAITLIN
Yvette, Yvette, ever the
French...teacher. Have fun in
summer school. I'm off.
Kaitlin walks away. Yvette shakes her head at her. As she walks a few steps farther, PRINCIPAL RICHARD THRUST (40, an insecure but macho macho man) runs up and puts his hand on Kaitlin's shoulder and smiles at her. She takes his hand off her and shakes his hand.
KAITLIN
(continuing)
Principal Thrust, how lovely to
see you again today.
PRINCIPAL THRUST
I don't believe we have...
KAITLIN
Oh, that's right. I just had that
strange dream about you.
Principal Thrust seems confused.
KAITLIN
(continuing)
Oh, no, no, no. It wasn't that
kind of dream.
PRINCIPAL THRUST
Uh huh. Yeah, right.
He winks at her in complicity. She smiles sourly and walks to her car.
PRINCIPAL THRUST
(continuing)
Well, have a good summer, Kaitlin.
I hope to see you around.
Kaitlin waves goodbye over her shoulder, then flips him off without turning around.
KAITLIN
Not if I see you first.
